Inner monologue of what BPD is like for me during a low

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2021.10.16 07:44 EmergencyMongoose397 Inner monologue of what BPD is like for me during a low

woke up at 1 pm, alright, that's not too bad right, still have some time to save my day. Maybe today is the day my life will turn around and if I put on some upbeat music surely I will believe that for a few hours. But, now it's dark, I don't want to turn the lights on, cause if I have to stay, I don't want to feel like I'm living. I want to feel like I'm in the void I carry with me all day, them I'm not pretending at least. I'm fucking exhausted, why do I promise myself it will get better, it never does. It gets worse. My image stays the same though. Will I show up for work tomorrow? I don't want to, but I will, I have to show up, for them. Not for me. Nothing is for me anymore.
I feel like I am watching everyone else live out their movie, their life. I am the only real one, right? The only one for whom time stands still, the only one who feels things. Does anyone else feel things if it's not as deep as what I experience? Have my coworkers ever felt empty? Is it part of the human experience? Is this part of figuring out life and I am just weak?
I wrote a note. But I won't kill myself. I don't know why.
How many times do I have to shift from making plans to become the best student/sistedaughtefriend the world has ever seen to crying on the floor in the dark within what feels like a few minutes. I'm exhausted, someone, take me home. I want to go home. Yet, where the fuck is that? I don't have one, I've never had a home. The closest I've come is being my own home. but eventually, I lost that feeling too. I thought the one person who couldn't abandon me was myself. lie. Guess that follows the thread of being a liar, it's inevitable I'd lie to myself I guess.
The day I found this subreddit I felt relief and I felt fear. I guess I am not an alien, but other people suffer like me. Does that comfort you? I don't know where to find comfort anymore, I'm too tired to look for it. You and try and try again, I'd give anything to feel stable, predictable. How can I trust myself? I couldn't care less about others, they give me purpose, but it's always fleeting, that will never be permanent. I want to show up for myself.
I fucking hate having BPD, I've read on here before to not make it your personality. But I've lost everything I used to like about myself to mental illness. You know when you had true passion and ambition. How do you get that back? How did I get here?
Why couldn't I plan on preventing lows when I am high? I am too busy following the feeling, it never even crosses my mind that my worst low is yet to come.
I just want to study, I just want to do my dishes, I want to wash my hair, I want to call my mother, I want to tell my brother I love him, why can't I?
I want to make a friend, I want to go to bed on time, I want to cook myself a nice meal, I want to be contempt when I am alone and it's silent, I want to go on a run like I used to, I want to scream, I want to feel whole, why can't I?
I am scared to try again, I am exhausted. I don't want to let myself down, I've already let my family down, and all they want is for me to be happy.
I don't know why I am writing this, I guess over the past few weeks I've found it at least validating to read experiences so similar to my own. So call it therapy for me and hopefully validating to you fellow Redditor. I love you, my heart aches for everyone with this mindfuck of an illness.
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2021.10.16 07:44 V1ad8 Actual reality is sickk

Actual reality is sickk submitted by V1ad8 to V1ad8 [link] [comments]


2021.10.16 07:44 todayisagooddayyep Putting in the work. 343 projects in 12 months.

Putting in the work. 343 projects in 12 months. submitted by todayisagooddayyep to Avax [link] [comments]


2021.10.16 07:44 fangfried I (M 25) am undateable and kind of depressed about it. How do I overcome the desire for an intimate relationship and find meaning in life in other ways?

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2021.10.16 07:44 pinche_sumo187 Did you know you can get free stickers 10 in 1 pack 75 packs max

Did you know you can get free stickers 10 in 1 pack 75 packs max submitted by pinche_sumo187 to blackbookgraffiti [link] [comments]


2021.10.16 07:44 GreasedIron MAGA Supporters Left Confused by Donald Trump's Call Not to Vote in Midterms, 2024

MAGA Supporters Left Confused by Donald Trump's Call Not to Vote in Midterms, 2024 submitted by GreasedIron to newsforsocialists [link] [comments]


2021.10.16 07:44 samael19472 What was the most random thing that has happend to you, not scary just random?

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2021.10.16 07:44 konfusedfish I feel uneasy with thing pertaining to the dark/night

I feel uneasy with things pertaining to the dark/night
As the title says things that have to do with the dark or night make me feel uneasy/on alert. Now Im sure most people at night try to be more alert and heightened since your vision isn’t as good and there are a lot of interesting characters out. But for me it’s not really that so much as it is the fear of paranormal/unnatural
Like I can’t watch scary Reddit story videos or else I’ll end up either staying up all night or having to turn in the bedroom lights. I can’t do it outside either because I get goosebumps and my imagination runs wild.
I’m not even scared of people. But if I think I see like a ghost or something than my ass is out of there. It’s not like an irrational fear or atleast I don’t think it is. I just feel like the unknown is dreadful. Like I know there’s not a monster in the closet but part of me won’t stop thinking about it.
In the day I’m totally fine and have no issues. But at night I just can’t to it. My mind will do that think where it starts to make images in the dark and I’m not with that at all. Idk if this belongs here but yea.
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2021.10.16 07:44 vpik I miss the long bright days…☀️the Scandinavian autumn is so dark, wet and cold 🌙💧❄️ (F25)

I miss the long bright days…☀️the Scandinavian autumn is so dark, wet and cold 🌙💧❄️ (F25) submitted by vpik to FreeCompliments [link] [comments]


2021.10.16 07:44 Business-Ad-3048 How many safemoon buys have you made?

My first buy was April 22nd and I have made 55 buys since then.
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2021.10.16 07:44 therealbekfast Help a first-timer audition for a college production of Sound of Music!

Hey all! My college is putting on a musical this year, and they chose The Sound of Music! I've never played in a musical before but am SUPER into them, and so I wanted to at least try this year. I'm in 12th grade, but part of a program that allows me to take classes at a college for credit.
GendeAge: Male, 17
Show/Role: The Sound of Music as Rolf Gruber. It's a more minor role, and I'm not really ready to take on the full responsibility of a lead one yet.
Vocal Part: stageagent.com and this pdf say Baritone, around B2-E4. I'm a bass in my high school choir (high notes are E4 on a good day, and it's kind of shouty)
Song Ideas: Honestly, I was thinking of just doing 16 on 17 since it's his only song and I need to learn it anyways. I don't know many songs that would fit into my range comfortably and fit the style.
Access to practice accompanist: I could likely talk to my choir teacher since he knows piano and would probably be willing to help me out.
Venue: College :)
Any tips would be extremely appreciated!
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2021.10.16 07:44 Systematicway The brother who shows paternal traits to save the little brother who falls down

The brother who shows paternal traits to save the little brother who falls down submitted by Systematicway to HumansBeingBros [link] [comments]


2021.10.16 07:44 Minute-Little Which gun has more recoil

Me and my friend are arguing which gun has more recoil he think m4a1 I think Ak
View Poll
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2021.10.16 07:44 Hardcase1426 Axie Infinity

Good morning dear.
Sorry to bother you, but I wanted to invite you to become part of an Axie Infinity community.

It is a relatively small community, but you have to start with something, right?

Anyway, I would like you to come in and take a look at it, I am sure you will like the atmosphere, after all the members of the community are very active and friendly.
The community has a scholarship system, in which applicants like you and I can aspire to a scholarship in the future, all you have to do is write through the general chat and any member of the community will explain the steps to fill out the form and apply for a scholarship.

Also remember that one of the requirements to win a scholarship is to be active in the community, so the managers will find out if you are really worthy of a scholarship.

I hope to see you soon!

https://discord.gg/bA5cTkQB

P.S: The server is mainly in Spanish, but there is also a channel for English speakers.
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2021.10.16 07:44 Cheesyman7269 I’m going to die…

I said the word “west Taiwan” then my social credit went negative and my execution is on November 11, 2021 at 9:31 PM.
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2021.10.16 07:44 boba_fettish101 I ain't gonna argue with them.

I ain't gonna argue with them. submitted by boba_fettish101 to memes [link] [comments]


2021.10.16 07:44 LittleGodess777 I normal summon reshiram

I normal summon reshiram submitted by LittleGodess777 to YuGiOhMemes [link] [comments]


2021.10.16 07:44 quote_emperor cartolina-aforisma-ezra-pound-18

cartolina-aforisma-ezra-pound-18 submitted by quote_emperor to aforismiecitazioni [link] [comments]


2021.10.16 07:44 Minimum-Ad7599 It’s me and my boy Aisen’s Birthday! 🎉 and EPISODE 09 is OUT! 🔥👀 Infocentric episode you don’t wanna miss out!

It’s me and my boy Aisen’s Birthday! 🎉 and EPISODE 09 is OUT! 🔥👀 Infocentric episode you don’t wanna miss out! submitted by Minimum-Ad7599 to webtoons [link] [comments]


2021.10.16 07:44 DiamondCoal The uncreatively of spatial magic

So there are 3 main spatial mages in the series, Langris, Finral and Zenon. And there are really only 3 ways that it manifests.

These three are basic as fuck. It's not like there is that much change but with control over space, a power that should be as influential as time or gravity it just doesn't have much creativity. I'll just give some examples of how it could be implemented.
In fact if some of these abilities seem familiar its because we've actually seen them before in the series. Dark Magic, Dream magic, Sealing magic, and Permeation Magic (Guldre) even. Hell even runes are a from of spatial manipulation turning a 3d spell into a 2d code (runes) and returning to a 3d spell. But why does spatial magic come in these 3 types?
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2021.10.16 07:44 thinkB4WeSpeak US Workers Are in a Militant Mood

US Workers Are in a Militant Mood submitted by thinkB4WeSpeak to occupywallstreet [link] [comments]


2021.10.16 07:44 Morgan-992 It's a soap dispenser and it's also a brush. This soap dispenser brush is convenient, efficient, and easy to use. It's a great choice for adding a touch of romance to your bathroom. With its stylish design, the soap dispenser brush can be used to replace the traditional soap dispenser, as well as a

It's a soap dispenser and it's also a brush. This soap dispenser brush is convenient, efficient, and easy to use. It's a great choice for adding a touch of romance to your bathroom. With its stylish design, the soap dispenser brush can be used to replace the traditional soap dispenser, as well as a submitted by Morgan-992 to McrOne [link] [comments]


2021.10.16 07:44 inadvisabel Does the Flying Pig enforce the no headphones rule?

Sorry if this is a dumb question, this is my first time running a half marathon. But I noticed on the Flying Pig website they tell you not to wear headphones/earbuds during the race--is this rule enforced?
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2021.10.16 07:44 Abduli5 Quick Question about my new baby Gecko

My leopard Gecko will sometimes come out and just stajds on his dish and stares. I fed him 5-8 mealworms a day usually and he's only about 4 inches big(juvenile). Should I feed him more when he does this? Or is he just doing it cause it's comfortable? The food dish is a rock so I was thinking maybe he just likes sitting his upper chest on it?
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2021.10.16 07:44 stormyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy more accurate repost

more accurate repost submitted by stormyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy to mapporncirclejerk [link] [comments]


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